Dear Me,
Escape artist. That is what I am. It started with boys to escape averageness, then marriage to escape home, divorce to escape painful drudgery, resignation of my faith to escape hypocriscy, family abandonment to escape judgement. I said goodbye to my old life and this is what I discovered when I shed everything that wasn't me.
I was scared, no terrified. I had never explored who I was up that point. I was a pleaser but not of myself. I was scared to disappoint, scared of rejection, scared to ask why, scared of my mother, scared of the future, scared of myself
I sat in my apartment, never having lived alone and I sat in the world, never having been alone. The world was scary but it was also exciting, knowing all the possibilities ahead of me.
I started to explore, to ask the whys, the whens and the hows. I discovered that I could still hold onto the things I liked about myself, the kindness, the generosity, a loving heart but I could also get rid of the damaging. The weight, the low self esteem, the judgement of others, the judgement of myself.
Each day I began to grow stronger until I one day was able to say goodbye to me, the me I should have never been.
Though it was an amazing journey you took me on, the old me will not be missed. Goodbye my friend.
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Thursday, June 7, 2012
I Can Fly
Dear God,
From a very young age, I was told you existed but I never really felt you did. Apparently, my Dad's sperm and my Mom's egg could only ever produce a believer so I thought something was terribly wrong with me that I felt this way. After all, I had been blessed with superiority and salvation, kind of like a chosen one according to my my parents but sadly, they had bred a mutant and didn't know it yet. On the outside I may have looked normal but I was missing a major component. No, it wasn’t a conscience, a lack of compassion or the inability to love, it was something much bigger.
So at eight years old, I decided to pray to you for it.
“Dear God, I know I’m different but why? Do you not like me? Did I do something wrong? I say my prayers to you everyday before I eat and just before bed but I still don’t feel like we’re very close. Please God, let me feel something, give me a sign that you’re there and listening to me and then maybe then I can love you the way Mom and Dad do. This is (my name) by the way but if you’re there, I’m sure you know that already. Amen”.
The sign never came and after praying I didn’t feel any different so I took to testing you by another means, even though Mom had said we're not supposed to test you, which I never understood. I was willing to take my chances. This came in the form of a green foot stool in our family room. I had always dreamt of being able to physically fly, like Superman without the outfit and I wanted to skip saving people, other than myself. So each day I’d pull out the foot stool and place it in the middle of the room, take a few steps back and run as fast as I could towards it. I used the stool to propel me high enough to gain some air then I’m madly flap my arms until I’d land on the carpet with a heavy thud. If you existed and saw how much I wanted to fly, you'd eventually grant me my wish. Then I’d know you were paying attention to me. Unfortunately after several months of performing this experiment, sometimes with blanket tied around my neck as a cape, the only thing I had to show for it were rug burns all over my knees. And so I settled on the fact that I would have to go through life with this large thing missing in my life called “faith”. The five hours a week of church services along with two hours a week of family bible study had not filled the gaping hole.
At eight years old I had already become a phony. Mom had often commented about one of her best friend’s son’s being a sociopath, which she described to me as having no right and wrong mechanism in his brain and because of this, in her eyes, he had become a menace to his parents and eventually the rest of society.
“Well, he can’t help it Mom. If he doesn’t have it, he doesn’t have it. You can’t hold it against him if there’s no way for him to ever receive one” I would adamantly say to her when she’d comment about him.
She had no idea that in a way I was trying to argue my own case. Yes, my conscience was in full tact, but I wondered if I’d be looked at the same way if they ever found out what I lacked. Would I be considered a menace to you and the rest of the believers? My parents’ relationship with you had been unwavering as they completely devoted themselves to you and the religion, never questioning or challenging anything that was taught, even when the religion failed in their prediction of several bible prophecies.
As I got older I didn't just witness failing bible prophecies, I witnessed the dangers of making a group feel superior to others, telling them they were the only ones who held salvation in this world. Apparently, we were supposed to look forward to millions dying soon and until then, we'd just avoid them all.
I was taught that women would always be lesser than men, according to several scriptures in the bible, which allowed for emotional and physical abuse towards children and women. I witnessed hatred towards others for being different, as you had us turn our backs on those that had nowhere else to go.
On a more personal scale, I witnessed my mother commit suicide for not knowing how to get out of it all, never feeling like anything she did was good enough and hating the feeling that she would always be less.
I have a sister who was born transgender who told my parents at four years old that she had been born in the wrong body. She turned to you and prayed at six asking if she could please be a boy. At ten she was sexually abused by someone close to our family and continued to struggle the rest of her life with her identity. Of course we all pretended none of it existed because you couldn't have possibly created such a screw-up. She just married a man a few weeks ago because the woman she really wanted, she couldn't have, because people like her won't inherit the kingdom. She thought she'd be automatically fixed by saying "I Do". It didn't work.
So today I say goodbye to you and all the atrocities that you've caused. I now know you never existed. We humans just really needed to create an invisible monster so we could justify our actions. I no longer am looking for that monster under my bed and I am finally free. I can breathe, and yes I can finally fly on my own.
From a very young age, I was told you existed but I never really felt you did. Apparently, my Dad's sperm and my Mom's egg could only ever produce a believer so I thought something was terribly wrong with me that I felt this way. After all, I had been blessed with superiority and salvation, kind of like a chosen one according to my my parents but sadly, they had bred a mutant and didn't know it yet. On the outside I may have looked normal but I was missing a major component. No, it wasn’t a conscience, a lack of compassion or the inability to love, it was something much bigger.
So at eight years old, I decided to pray to you for it.
“Dear God, I know I’m different but why? Do you not like me? Did I do something wrong? I say my prayers to you everyday before I eat and just before bed but I still don’t feel like we’re very close. Please God, let me feel something, give me a sign that you’re there and listening to me and then maybe then I can love you the way Mom and Dad do. This is (my name) by the way but if you’re there, I’m sure you know that already. Amen”.
The sign never came and after praying I didn’t feel any different so I took to testing you by another means, even though Mom had said we're not supposed to test you, which I never understood. I was willing to take my chances. This came in the form of a green foot stool in our family room. I had always dreamt of being able to physically fly, like Superman without the outfit and I wanted to skip saving people, other than myself. So each day I’d pull out the foot stool and place it in the middle of the room, take a few steps back and run as fast as I could towards it. I used the stool to propel me high enough to gain some air then I’m madly flap my arms until I’d land on the carpet with a heavy thud. If you existed and saw how much I wanted to fly, you'd eventually grant me my wish. Then I’d know you were paying attention to me. Unfortunately after several months of performing this experiment, sometimes with blanket tied around my neck as a cape, the only thing I had to show for it were rug burns all over my knees. And so I settled on the fact that I would have to go through life with this large thing missing in my life called “faith”. The five hours a week of church services along with two hours a week of family bible study had not filled the gaping hole.
At eight years old I had already become a phony. Mom had often commented about one of her best friend’s son’s being a sociopath, which she described to me as having no right and wrong mechanism in his brain and because of this, in her eyes, he had become a menace to his parents and eventually the rest of society.
“Well, he can’t help it Mom. If he doesn’t have it, he doesn’t have it. You can’t hold it against him if there’s no way for him to ever receive one” I would adamantly say to her when she’d comment about him.
She had no idea that in a way I was trying to argue my own case. Yes, my conscience was in full tact, but I wondered if I’d be looked at the same way if they ever found out what I lacked. Would I be considered a menace to you and the rest of the believers? My parents’ relationship with you had been unwavering as they completely devoted themselves to you and the religion, never questioning or challenging anything that was taught, even when the religion failed in their prediction of several bible prophecies.
As I got older I didn't just witness failing bible prophecies, I witnessed the dangers of making a group feel superior to others, telling them they were the only ones who held salvation in this world. Apparently, we were supposed to look forward to millions dying soon and until then, we'd just avoid them all.
I was taught that women would always be lesser than men, according to several scriptures in the bible, which allowed for emotional and physical abuse towards children and women. I witnessed hatred towards others for being different, as you had us turn our backs on those that had nowhere else to go.
On a more personal scale, I witnessed my mother commit suicide for not knowing how to get out of it all, never feeling like anything she did was good enough and hating the feeling that she would always be less.
I have a sister who was born transgender who told my parents at four years old that she had been born in the wrong body. She turned to you and prayed at six asking if she could please be a boy. At ten she was sexually abused by someone close to our family and continued to struggle the rest of her life with her identity. Of course we all pretended none of it existed because you couldn't have possibly created such a screw-up. She just married a man a few weeks ago because the woman she really wanted, she couldn't have, because people like her won't inherit the kingdom. She thought she'd be automatically fixed by saying "I Do". It didn't work.
So today I say goodbye to you and all the atrocities that you've caused. I now know you never existed. We humans just really needed to create an invisible monster so we could justify our actions. I no longer am looking for that monster under my bed and I am finally free. I can breathe, and yes I can finally fly on my own.
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